Nothing stays the same.

I admit defeat.

2012-01-22T14:44:00.001+08:00

Why like this now? I'm not happy. I used to say whatever I like to you. Literally anything. But the more I get to know you, I feel lost. Afraid as well. I don't like how this feels. I want to talk to you like I don't give a damn. Psssh.

Had been eating so much. Feeling happy & guilty at the same time.

Day 2.

2012-01-21T19:21:00.001+08:00

Realised it has been a month? :)

I don't know what happened but we just got further apart. I guess it was mostly my fault. But it's nice to know that we are still in good terms :) I didn't know I would miss you so much.

You said you don't care and I trusted you. It's not a very nice thing to say but I guess you really don't care. I may be mean and unreasonable but I always thought you were the kind who understands. The kind who will say "Ahhh, she's like that" without feeling surprised with my words. That was why I love talking to you. Am I thinking too much? Or am I interpreting it right?

You know? I'm happy. For feeling nothing anymore. I tried so hard. Did you know that?

With them, you just seem a little insignificant :/

Why care?

2012-01-19T08:44:00.000+08:00

To ask people out.
To bring more clothes.
To feel excited to know that I'll be home soon.

I know I can't blame you but ...
Everyone should stop shrinking my importance.
Maybe I should just stay at home and complete my holiday homework since no one cares if I'm there or not. This is what I hate about home. It was one of the reasons I couldn't wait to leave home. Maybe family does come before friends. Friends are just, friends. Right? It's all about losing one another.

I thought you were busy. But I'm just a friend whom you won't reply to when you're free.

Marriage.

2012-01-17T16:15:00.001+08:00

We were both from broken families. Divorced parents. We may seem fine when people talk about their perfect families but deep inside, we tear a little. She's 19 & now married. I see joy and I really hope it stays forever. You deserve a perfect family. Congratulations, love.

It's tomorrow.

2012-01-15T12:29:00.002+08:00

First exam of the year. They call it test here because it's not the last paper of the year. If you get what I mean. I'm not even prepared. I just know I'm gonna do so badly. Screw this shit.

Oh. Happy birthday, you :)

I can't wait to go back to Ipoh although I met some friends just a month before this. I miss them so much! Back to Ipoh on the 20th. Up to Penang the day after. And down to Taiping on the 23rd. Back to Ipoh at night. & Singapore on the 24th. Everything is gonna happen so fast. Gosh. I must optimize the time available. The next time I'll meet them is in December :(
What about school homework? Gosh.

Thoughts and more thoughts. These shall stop. The stupidity shall not stay. Ended my 2011, stupid & started my 2012, stupid. It's sad to know there's no effort taken to care. No feelings as well. I'm asking this again, are you sure you did? But who am I? You clearly don't need to make a thorough explanation.
You're just as clingy as I am. We would be in our own world if ...

I need luck.

2012-01-10T18:14:00.002+08:00

What am I thinking?
What am I waiting for?
Why am I still like that?

A-Levels. It's this year. I wasted a year and it seems like I'm continuing it. Why the fuck? Why am I acting as though I can turn back time? Time is running out and I'm still here, blogging. December had been a fun month for me. Ergo, no regrets for not doing any of my homework. But bitch, I have to frantically complete them now. Exam's next week. I have no time to revise. Last minute revision again I guess. After so many years I'm still the same. Neither did I learn my lesson nor did I change. I'm not smart and I was never one. But why the fuck am I still acting like this? Fuck laziness. Every time I realise my wrongdoings, I feel like noting them down so I won't make my child repeat the mistakes I made. Stupid, yes.

They always say 'foreign talent' or 'foreign competition' and I think I just embarrassed my country. Pass? That isn't what I'm aiming for. But why am I stuck here? I feel tired. Tired of something which I don't even know what. Why am I being so nice to myself? I am a slow learner and I know I need time to understand things I'd learned. I need to start sacrificing. I have to. I must.

Magic went nuts. Have I been eating the wrong things? But I've been such a good girl already :'( This is not supposed to happen. I wanna have someone to talk to. The counselor seems like a very nice lady.

Something I cannot have. But I don't mind.
Mentally unstable. Definitely.

Beat that!

2011-12-18T17:52:00.001+08:00

Reached home at 3.30a.m yesterday & please, it's a big deal to me. This is my second time going out so late at night & bamm a new record.

Awkward. Very. Okay, maybe a little. Hmmm. I want it to be a little more realistic. Damn, I suck :( I have so much to say. So so much. I need someone to be a good listener, now :(

I feel disgusted with myself. I look horrible in pictures. I feel like crying again. People are busy with their own stuff. No one is free to listen to my nonsense. No, it isn't nonsense to me. I just have to tell someone. At least it makes me feel a little better, just a little.

4 days left.

2011-12-17T13:41:00.000+08:00

Leaving on Thursday morning. How fast is that? :( I need to start on my homework. Dang. It's stupid to think that I'll actually do some. I brought back a luggage of books. Oh fuck. I could've brought back more clothes. Ah ks, you are so hopeless :'(

Met two of my best friends. One left. We can't meet, yes? Makes me hate school/college even more. It's been a year, friend. Will it be 2 the next time we meet? It doesn't feel right. We used to see each other every single day. Talked about everything. From boys to teachers to something else. I miss you.

An answer, so definite :) When will I get crazy about you? I want to. But, I'm not there yet. I will try to make this work. If the magic works, I will dress my best when I see you the next time. To not embarrass you in front of anyone. Surprise me as well ;D

Mum's birthday is tomorrow. Where should I bring her to have lunch? I want a classy restaurant. Hmmm.

Rambling.

2011-12-16T23:01:00.001+08:00

I don't understand myself well. I don't know what I'm doing at times. Okay, most of the time. My feelings can come & go. Sometimes, faster than the changing of seasons. As if everything happens according to what I want. I need to stop this. This is selfish. You have your wants and I have mine.

You & her, there. I wonder what's on your mind. Reminiscing moments you both shared? Feeling insecure. But, you don't belong to me. I have no control over you, yes. I wonder if this is a hurtful choice to make. But I barely know what's on your mind and I'm afraid to ask. I'm afraid that I'm thinking too much. I wanted to do so many things. Little scenes kept playing on my mind before I go to bed. Weird. There's not much time left. Hopefully we'll have plenty of fun on Wednesday. That's all the time we I have.
I miss standing next to you.

I can't believe I told mum about everything yesterday. She reacted calmly to it. Okay maybe a little too curious that she wouldn't stop asking what happened after.

I think I gained weight. This is not supposed to happen. Or maybe I just did not loose any & eating 3 meals a day makes me feel heavy. Dang. Can you, 'thingy' work faster? :(

Let's blog!

2011-12-14T20:39:00.001+08:00

Haha. I'm bored. Now.

Heading for some whisky.
Whisky tastes good! :D Better than soju or sake for sure. Why am I even comparing them three? My uncle always tell me how important it is to drink liquor with someone you trust. So I am going with mum and her friends! It's really not weird to go out at night with your family instead of your group of friends. I'm a good girl ;D As I grow older, family seems to be as important as friends. I used to think how friends are more important because I share with them literally everything.
I'm wearing black. COMPLETELY black.

Infatuation.
I don't really like you but I just... like you. Things are becoming... enjoyable. Period.

A bully, yes.
I think I bully mum a lot. Making her do everything alone. Whoops.

Day One.

2011-09-16T21:41:00.001+08:00

My Promotional Exam started today.
General Paper & Mother Tongue.
Don't know if I will pass though. 50/50?
Next paper, Economics on the 10th of October. Ks, you really need to do your revision. If this goes on, you'll be so screwed!
Damn it.

She said she's allowing. December, I can't wait. Will it really happen? Or is this just another fake hope. But seeing results on her gave me hope, long ago. Money money money. Everything is associated with money especially when you want to achieve your needs.
p/s: please don't tell anyone. ANYONE.

Ah shoot. Why did he privatized his Twitter & Facebook? So annoying. Can't stalk on anything.
NOTHING! RAWR! Shall not send request/add as friend.
I need to stop embarrassing myself. Must must.

Bitch, you need to stop talking so loud. Your statuses are loud enough.
Don't know why but I think I hate you. Lol?

What's with you people?

2011-09-13T19:20:00.000+08:00

Or is it just me?

Morning mood swings or what?

When we were about to get really close, we got a little further again. You complain about everyone, saying how you get pissed with them over and over again. But seeing you hanging out with them in school, laughing kinda scares me every single time. You sound like you don't like them but you mix with them most of the time. Maybe everyone is like that, including me? I may complain about people too. About you about her about him. Or are we just saying the truth about them?
I'm confused.

Unappreciative?

It's obviously your fault for not bringing it to school but you were creating so many excuses. Not everything needs an explanation. You did not bring it, you are at wrong. By the way, you were kinda rude on the phone with your mum. She's nice enough to actually drive all the way to school to bring the notes you were supposed to return. Not all mums are nice enough to actually go through your bookshelves to find the notes you placed, somewhere.

Am I like that to mummy? Hmm.

I think I'm ~~writing~~ ranting too much.

Ugly departure.

I wonder what will happen if I did not tell you anything. Firstly, I did not tell you because I'm not sure if he likes it. Some people don't like it. Especially when I barely know him in person. He might think I'm a girl with some big mouth telling people around he's leaving. I built some courage to actually bring up that question. Acting like some fool. Must have been treated like an idiotic girl trying to butt into his life. Sucks to be me? You walked out to the gate, with him. I wonder what did you people talk about.

" You knew about him leaving quite some time already right? "

The end!

2011-09-11T15:19:00.000+08:00

says Mr. Holiday.

School starts tomorrow and gosh I'm so not ready for school! Argh. I spent my holidays 'wisely' again. Days without revision or homework. Early nights and late mornings. How fun to be lifeless. Spending cash here and there telling myself it's okay since i seldom spend this much. Fun, a word to end my lifeless holiday.

Today marks the official one-more-month-till-promos day. Shit? GP paper is on the 16th. How ready am I? Not at all. I fail this, I get retained. Dayyum.

Ks has not learnt her lesson. If you watched The Art of Getting By starring Emma Roberts & Freddie Highmore, you should know how George described life. It's exactly what I think of it to be. Unfortunately, I'm not as smart as him. Finishing a year's work in 3 weeks. Or maybe it's just a movie. Movies lie, as usual.

At my meanest this year.

2011-08-13T19:30:00.000+08:00

Read back what I blogged in 2009.
& problems faced then and now are the same.
Omg, khershin, what has got into you? Hmm.

Btw, she broke my puncher! And I swear I did not break hers. It just 'deformed' when i was about to punch holes. I remember apologizing even though it wasn't my fault. But this time, when she broke mine. She did not even apologize! She said "You broke mine last time too what". Like wtf?

Mean! Muahahahaha.
I don't like helping people to pick up what they dropped cause they don't even care picking them up. It's like they are waiting for you to pick it up for them. Seriously I don't know if I'm being really mean or that people here are just different. They are just, different.

I know I have to really stop being mean or I won't have friends anymore.
Like, you know,
Bitching &
Hating.

I surrender.

2011-08-11T20:24:00.000+08:00

It's that hateful.
It's that time consuming.
It's nuts.
I had never hate school so much before.
Swear.

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.
If dying was a little simpler, I would try.

It bothers me.

2011-08-06T15:03:00.000+08:00

Size 14 is fat. Novels are written to make people live in denial.

I would thank you if you would just stop talking about it. It annoys, it irritates and it also hurts. Knowing and seeing the truth is painful enough but you had to act as though it works if you tell it to my ears. Loud and clear. As if I did not try before. I told you I wanted those months ago. You did not allow. Now, you want me to. Is this what I want or what you want?
It has always been yours, hasn't it?
Damn.

A wise person. Hmm. When will I reach there?

Suddenly,

2011-08-01T19:06:00.000+08:00

I miss home.
I miss being scolded, at least mum was straight forward.
I miss scolding at least there could be a fight.
I miss home cooked food than what im eating now.
I miss my big study table.
I miss my big room.
I miss having the whole house to myself when mum's working.
I miss taking mum's pimple solution without asking her.
I miss mum digging me ears.
I miss mum fetching me everywhere.
I miss having fruits in the fridge everytime.
I miss how mum will buy cereal and milk for me.
I miss all the biscuits in the world.
I miss my big bed.
I miss my soft toys.
I think im homesick :'(

Btw, Captain America was no where near bad. It was terrible!
Except Chris Evan's hot body and that sexy lady :D

Tired of school.

2011-07-20T19:29:00.000+08:00

Do we have to continue changing our ideas? From fuel to countries to extinct animals. How many times do we have to change our focus? Gosh. So what if it's done before? Our new idea doesn't seem interesting enough to get an A anyway. So many meetings and so many nights of researches. And in the end, the same problem arises. Pathetic. I know it's not your fault nor is it mine. But seriously, can we really talk it out? You said you didn't like explaining the future event when not all members are present. So why did you discuss with her without us? You want us to just follow your idea all the time, no? I know we don't have a better idea but that's because we weren't given enough time. It's always last minute work and honestly, it's amazing that all 4 of you can finish your part in a night. Don't you people need some sleep? -.-

The same problem is messing with my mind. The subjects. Geog and Econs, they are both suicidal. I wanna go home. Home home.

My tongue is still hurting like shit. What happened to the pharmacies?!
ARGH.

I'm outdated.

2011-07-19T18:58:00.000+08:00

It's kinda weird to have a flip phone in Singapore cause literally everyone uses iPhones or android phones. Touch touch touch! I couldn't stand my slow and mad htc smart, really -.-

I feel like biting off my tongue. That stupid white spot hurts :'(

Basketball is fun! It'll be better if Miss Kiasu's don't exist and of course if I can play.

Sincerely, me.

2011-07-18T20:18:00.000+08:00

I will never be happy in life because of the way I look at things.
Too negatively.

It really sucks to be me.
I bitch too much. Also, I'd never feel lucky to have people around me. I get annoyed too easily causing people to feel irritated as well. This is like, I offered to start a war. I miss people who were patient with my fucking attitude, who did not blame me for anything I did wrong. And accepted me for who I am.

You know? I just don't like people taking my stuff. No matter how close we are or how good our friendship is, it's still best to ask. At least I feel respected, like my permission does matter. I don't like doing things for people. I hate being asked to buy things while they just sit there, doing nothing. At least follow me! Hmph.

My never ending complaint. I wish I did not exist. Why me? Why me on earth?

Looking down wherever I go. It's not fun. I miss having friends who I'll not stop conversing. I don't even need to look around because in my mind, it was all interesting topics. Guys, girls, this or that. Looking at pictures made me feel so alone. I miss the all of you. So much. So so much.

Mid July already?

2011-07-16T16:33:00.000+08:00

It's a Saturday and I'm in my school uniform.
Ohsweetnibblets! Hmph.
Woke up late so I had to take a taxi. Paid 20 freaking dollars. And and i hate my phone. It rang even though I set it to silent mode. How embarrassing. Trying to switch it off but it didnt co-operate that i have to leave the lecture theater to remove the battery.
It was a boring seminar -.-

I dislike how proud they feel about themselves.
I dislike how unique they think they are.
I dislike the fact that they are so economically awesome.
Cih.

I was supposed to hit the books! Grr.

Long hair long hair! :D
But why so flat :(
Will fatten you end of this year!

Nobody's perfect.

2011-07-12T20:13:00.001+08:00

YES I KNOW.
But.
I don't know why I won't stop commenting about people.
Hey baby, it's time to contradict.

You really need to shut up. So annoying. Stop screaming like a baby just because she's going and you're not. Oh damn it. When you see people looking at you, it's indirectly asking you to fucking shut up bitch. So what if you are captain now? You shouldn't be all bossy and act like everyone loves you. And damn you stink. Use a bottle of deodorant a day please. Your spray stopped working I guess.
Oh fuck. I'm fucking mean.
Whatever ;D

That wasn't nice of you to say bad things about her. She's nice. It was you who were all rude and she as a member was just asking for an answer kindly. Who are you to ask us to be careful of her as we are both in the same group as her. And damn, do you even brush your teeth? It's torturing when you whisper. You are another person whenever you are with your friends from other classes. You start to join them into the face-to-face insult and what else? Oh you suck.

I'm really fine with you except when you are about to erupt. Seriously, throwing your teacher's marker into the bin just because she was pissed at you? So not cool. It's just really terrifying and irritating. But overall, you are nice. But at the same time, scary. You changed your buddy like 2 or 3 times! I mean how could you possibly be so close to this person and get pissed with her the next minute? Hmm.
Okay fine I'm like that too.

So much for the complaints.
Goshhh.

Oh Oh.
My cute guy called my name for the very first time :D

Confused.

2011-06-20T11:50:00.000+08:00

Do I really like them?
Or.
Am I just playing?
This is what I call putting myself into trouble.

I just hit the Unfriend button.
I hit it twice.
So, now they are both gone. I bet they wont even realize until school ends. Or maybe forever.

Can I be honest now?

2011-06-19T23:46:00.000+08:00

Phone number. Lots of questions. Rejections.
Interests. Friend requests. Comments.
Compliments. Existence. Texts. Be-my-friends.
It's everything that I miss. Stupid I know but :'( If it goes on, there's only one thing that I'll blame myself on, food.

Having them as friends of Facebook makes my wanna do stupid stuff. I have to keep reminding myself to not do as I please because I will be embarrassed. Like, completely :/

POW!

2011-06-18T09:50:00.001+08:00

Random title.
It's just a little something that popped out out of no where :9

I slept like 4.30 in the morning if I'm not mistaken. Well, on purpose. A punishment for not studying for the past few weeks I guess? And I was supposed to meet my friend at 10 concerning our project which is really rolling down the drain. Our project is there by the edge of the drain, ready to fall in anytime. Boo. I was tired of course but I thought, punctuality is important. And I didn't want to feel guilty to postpone the meeting to 11 just because I wanna sleep a little more. So, I decided to wake up. I was ready to leave the house and I received a text. And... yeah, that's why I'm here now.
FYI, MY BOOKS ARE NEXT TO ME & I'M NOT IN CONTACT WITH THEM -.-

Yes, I'm desperate. I just don't know how it feels like to fall in love. But too bad, my current figure is lowering my confidence.
&
No idea about my future.
I was borned with a fake ambition.
I thought a little love will make me feel a little more alive. Like, life has a meaning. It may sound stupid but that's what I feel. If you were me, you would know how terrible my life is in, vision wise. I have shelter and food. And with that, I'm lucky. Lucky enough for a person to let me even stay at her place for free and to even receive monthly pocket money by the same person.
Does that even make sense?

His performance, it's tonight. Will buy him flowers later :D

My little cute start.

2011-06-08T19:24:00.000+08:00

Ohmyeffin'plans.

So there's this performance coming up. He's in it!
Flowers.
Smile.
Pictures.
Hees :D

I'm so nice please. Though I didn't wanna go in the beginning but but but ;D

I think it started like that.

2011-06-08T10:22:00.000+08:00

Biasness.
Your love to him exceeds mine.
My actions. My thoughts.
I guess that explains everything.

Would you believe me if I said I felt it since young?
Since the day he left me.
Since the day you left me.

Nothing annoys me more.

2011-06-07T20:37:00.000+08:00

Than school itself.

It's annoying enough that we have to stay in school till 6pm or later almost everyday. And now they are 'engulfing' my happiness by using all my holidays. Having the need to study during the holidays is contradicting enough and they still want us to be in school. I know it's for our own good, but seriously?!
Bullshit.

Don't ever ask me about my studies or my freaking ambition cause truthfully, i have none. I'm just brought up this way.
Without goals.
Without right guidance.
Nonsense.
Life's so pointless. I guess people who commit suicide are people like me but with courage. Seriously, they are so brave to do so. Letting go their love ones and sacrificing their future.

What's worse?
Being treated like a foreigner. It's either cash or brains.
I have neither.
& why the fuck am I here?
Ask some random passer by's -.-

I hate the fact that my Twitter page is not co-operating. Grr.
FART.

Hate.

2011-06-05T01:27:00.000+08:00

When she asks a whole list of information on ones I'm out with.
When she repeats her question over and over again.
When she asks me about everything she doesn't know thinking I'm some dictionary.
When she never stop nagging about how much I spend.
When she never stop talking about money.
When she doesn't stop asking what I want her to prepare.
I'm not your ideal child and you are not my ideal mum.
We should know that better than anyone else.

When people ask me on my studies.
When people ask me about my ambition.
When people ask me what I'm good in.
When people ask me anything about education.

Sorry, not in a good mood.
Pfft.
GAH!

I'm not nice.

2011-05-29T14:28:00.000+08:00

She's coming tomorrow. Two weeks.
Will there be quarrels?
Will there be complaints?
Will there be insults?
Ah.
Please be tolerant?

I can't believe how I dislike school now. Had school yesterday and it's Monday tomorrow! Gah.
It was supposed to be 3 weeks of holidays :( Since, they've now taken one week of our holidays. 2 weeks left :((

She lied. I lied.

2011-05-27T15:31:00.000+08:00

You had an eye surgery, knee surgery, spine surgery and what else?
Your best friend finished 2.4km in 6 minutes.
Your best friend is from HCI.
Your best friend is white.
How many best friends do you have anyway? -.-
You don't know AMK exist in Singapore.
You are half German.
You have 9 cats.
You skateboard and break dance (bicycle).
You play the saxophone, the drums, the guitar.
You said Doc. Von Heymilk exist.
Are these truth or fucking lies?

I lied too. I don't trust my classmates. If I tell them the truth. I bet they'll complain to teacher or whoever. But at least, the guilt is there. What the fuck am I doing? Knowing that I did wrong but still dare to compare?

Fuck.

I want a rest. I want holidays. I want to ~~die.~~

It's Friday, Friday!

2011-05-20T21:11:00.000+08:00

Waiting for Friday to come is like, waiting to sleep after having thick coffee.
Long like anvugifalafh !

She took my seat.
I don't know if it was on purpose but I wasn't happy about it. I'm never happy about little mistakes. As if I am perfect in whatever i do -.- I suck. Whatever. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna be cool with whatever decision I make from now on. If I feel fine with it, I'll just take it as I'm right.

Don't act as though you know nothing. Oh 'zip' your face.

Why must we always follow whatever you say? I hate the fact that our class is so small. The majority always agree on whatever you suggest. How annoying. If it was a larger class, people would have objected the suggestion, some people at least. Why hoodie? I don't feel as though I'm seriously a part of the class, what's the point of having a class hoodie? And class trip. I know the purpose of a class outing will be defeated if some of us don't appear. But even if we are all there, doesn't mean we'll talk to everyone.

You turned away so fast. I am not a ghost :(

If I could be pretty and thin and smart :(

Gotta wake up early tomorrow. Bleh. School stuff.
Can't wait for the holidays to come. Oh boyyyyy.
Khershin, promise me you'll be a good girl and revise your notes.

I know the problem is in me.

2011-05-19T22:43:00.000+08:00

I'm out of place to rant.

Can I do it here?

:(

My easily pissed & agitated attitude on minor problems. It's not easy to quit that habit when i am so used to it. So used to complaining to people who listen to whatever shit I say. Life's so hard without them :/
If I could only stop all this nonsense but, i had been trying for years. No fruit?

Eating way too much these days.
Hungry?
Sad?
Menses?
What?!

I'm tired. I really am. I had never want to skip school so badly.
~~Boyfriend-less. Close-friendless. Friendless. Lonely.~~
I'm gonna die if this continues.

I still have fingers even if I lose my mouth.

2011-05-18T19:21:00.001+08:00

I'm a bitch behind this face. The text message bitch.

I won't stop ranting.
I won't stop commenting.
I won't stop complaining.
I should stop observing people.
Damn it.

I tend to stop talking when I'm with people I don't know. Like completely. Silence.

They wouldn't stop talking about it. She had plans with me but it seems like it bothers as she wanted to do something else with her other friend. If you really feel bad, you should've just stop talking about it. I know I entered late but I deserve to have a close friend too. Do you know I'm far from home?

I feel so alone when crap happens :'(

Her goal is to make sure no one gets angry easily that is why she leaves it to you on certain things. But isn't discipline more important. How can you keep the teacher waiting for you while you slowly enter your room to take your books. The television's volume is 3/4 of it's total. I did a favour by switching it off and you asked me to mind my business. Fuck you man. The teachers are staying just because of money, I'm so sure about that. Crap.

We girls pee with it down. Guys are ones who pee with it up. Would you just fucking admit that you caused the stain. You are the only guy at home for christ's sake! Don't say you don't use that bathroom. What nonsense. I'm not your mum. I won't clean it for you.

What's with me today. I'm pissed, like the whole fucking day.
For once, F M L.

Cliche.

2011-05-15T18:40:00.000+08:00

No, I not going to be like them.
I wont say life in JC sucks.
It's all me. My problem for not knowing how important time is right now. And even if it's just 10 minutes, I can actually do something.

Fuck.

I did nothing on Saturday and I thought I would do more on Sunday but I was wrong about myself. Wrong, thoroughly. I'm still that girl who never stops to procrastinate.

In the past, i can be sick and not do my homework which i prayed to happen to me but did not, but here, missing a day in school is whatthefuckish.

There's a test tomorrow, Econs. I read only half of what I'm supposed too and guess what? I still have a list of stuff to do.
Motherfucker.

I sometimes wonder.

2011-05-14T11:50:00.000+08:00

What is my freaking problem?

I honestly don't know. I wish there was one who I am close enough with to tell me all my problems. I just wouldn't stop commenting on other people and I wonder what's going on on her mind after listening to whatever I said because, she kept quiet.

She left and they all left. Apparently, he's leaving and she might leave too.

When will this end? Will the teachers stop pressuring them? Our class is getting smaller month by month. Test is in June. I don't want to fail like seriously. Please, I need to really start studying :/

He has a crush of his own. What about him?

Two at once. Am I a little too greedy? Well, I'm just trying to make school a little more meaningful? He's cute, really and he, just catches my attention. It's a co-ed school. It won't be fun if you don't have a crush on anyone, no? :D I just hope they both stay single for long. I don't want to let go :/

It has been raining for three days consecutively. Oh well, it's better than the sun. Much better.

Grow up.

2011-04-10T17:30:00.000+08:00

I'm just too lazy to start revising on anything.
Test.
Test.
Test!
Gahhhh.
:(

Why don't i see any difference even when the number of subjects i now take is lesser than before? It's just the same! I don't have time for everything because i'm one who prefers to sit and do nothing for an hour or two than to revise. I suck, i know.

I shall think of money every time i see books. For the money spent and the money i will possibly get in future.

Khershin, grow up.

It's Monday tomorrow.

2011-04-03T10:27:00.000+08:00

Jolly's body is itching like hell. She would stop scratching herself.
Doesn't she need to pee?
Doesn't she need to poo?
It's already 10 in the morning and she just had her breakfast.
I am a boring person. I'm sorry to keep you bored.

So, i did not indulge my chocolate fondue yesterday. What a heartbreak.
MacDonalds was nice though :D
Watched The Eagle yesterday, and errrrrrrrrr. It's not really that nice. Neither was it bad. It's in between.

Why do we have Project Work?
GAWDD.
It's so hard to think of a future event on risk-taking and cnflict.

I need this. Ignoreeeee :/

That weird feeling.

2011-04-02T10:09:00.000+08:00

That i was wrong about it.
Nothing about that is alive in me anymore. It's just that, i didnt get that kind of treatment which i had always wished for.

Do you hate listening to someone rant?
I was about to try being your best friend :(
Who? Who to trust?
I miss having someone to hear me rant everyday.

I can't wait to have my Andersen's family fondue.

It's Saturday, and school's starting in less than 48 hours and i have not done any of my homework. I really wanna just sit and watch my favourite programmes.

All for today.

2011-03-29T21:48:00.001+08:00

Testing our understanding by have tests every week.
See how 'testly' school is -.-

Fees are like, fucking expensive.
Scholarship? Are you serious?

2.4km, pull ups, push ups and others.
You fucking serious bout this?
A test?
Shit.
& we have to attend ITP (intensive training programme) till September if we fail.
OH FUCK.

A change in things.

2011-03-28T22:01:00.000+08:00

It's better to keep my identity low in case, people come asking me if im writing about them.
It's a blog! Crap.

That wasn't nice to say as a teacher. Though we were not accepted in other colleges but some truths are not meant to be said out that straight forwardly. As international students, we know in here, they provide a high level of education but without us foreigners, i doubt you'll be as strong as you are now. So stop with those words just because you want to let us know rules tend to be stricter when it comes to us. And stop getting pissed so easily. Knowing there are friends from the same country, we sometimes tend to be hyped up. We found our family.
So just shut up instead of shutting us up.

I wonder if all schools are like that. Shit.

Research research & research.
When will it end?
Days are passing as fast as time does. I wanna watch my favourite programme. I want to sit down there and look at nothing. I've always wanted to sit on the swing outside to get some fresh air but there isnt time for those.
But.
I'm glad that i have enough time to sit and use the computer. Phew.

Never be too nice.

2011-03-27T21:15:00.001+08:00

Being too nice to someone is letting them control you. Indirectly giving them a sign of power that if they are better in arguments even when they are completely unreasonable, they can shut you up.
I'm not making sense. Oh whatever.

Teachers always think that weekends = a week of holiday.
Shouldnt teacher discuss among themselves before giving homework? And if we fail to finish our homework even after staying up till 3 in the morning, they blame us for doing those given tasks half-heartedly. No wonder, students nowadays tend to hate teachers more and pay less respect to them.
It's weird not thanking teachers after a lecture. Really weird.

Future conflicts/risks.
What what what what example to give?
PW oh PW, you are giving me a headache.
And and Econs test tomorrow, again. Crap. Also, i hate it when i'm being asked on my results when it's terrible. Okay let me say it here, i got zero. Satisfied? Yes, i failed.

You always have this look on your face, as though you are trying to see if im really better than you. Dont believe it if you dont. Dont believe in what others say. Just, stop asking anything. When i have my block test in june, never never never ask for my results.
Dont blame me if i shout suddenly.

Why tell me?

2011-03-25T22:49:00.000+08:00

Why did you bring up that topic when you don't want me to be so sensitive about it?
Why tell me to chill when you asked did i spread rumours about someone?
And you don't even want to tell me what about the whole thing. Telling one person is not spreading. It was just a few sentences, like two? Ah, to me it's just not spreading rumours. But, it was a fact, no? She told me it was.

Oh shit. Beckett's apartment got boomed :O

Castle :D

So many tasks to do. Shit. It sucks.
Why give that amount of work to do when you get so pissed whenever you mark our work -.-
AH WORK. Such hateful non-living things. Grr.

And and. I got my mail today. It's nice to see so many of it. Nothing as such was expected. But im sure the standard set was very low. Oh well, it's Malaysia. Expected. Still, am happy in a way :D

Tears.

2011-03-23T21:22:00.000+08:00

Without specific reasons, it flowed heavily.
Hopefully, they realized nothing.

I wonder if things would be the same if i told you about my problems earlier. You didnt know anything about it. It's partly my fault but the support you just gave was greatly needed a few months ago. If i spoke to you about it, i wonder what would you suggest. I now realise you wont push me in like they did. You will give me more time to think about it as it's a really big problem. And im sure my opinion will be respected.
Why can't you be a little like him?

Why didnt you post it today? :(
I know i told you that im not excited but with people here talking about it, i really want to know mine as well.
Aiks.

I shouldn't be here.

2011-03-22T18:52:00.000+08:00

I'm just this ugly and fat girl wanting a little more attention.

So.
Presentation, today. Well, it wasnt as bad as expected. I wasnt that nervous :D
She may look irresponsible and ah-lian-ish, but she is sometimes nice, really.

Economics test is tomorrow. Shit. Apparently, if students fail this mini test, our parents will be called. Guess what? My parents arent with me.
;D

Do you really feel as insecure as you told me? You look great now. Tall, thin and, pretty. Hey, you dont need any of those. I need them 10 times more than you.
Fucking serious lah.

Am i getting used to it? I dont know. I just know im tired of almost everything.

Help?

2011-03-20T09:14:00.000+08:00

Why am i good at nothing? Can laziness really explain it all?

Geography

& Economics.
Even General Paper.
What is it that i dont understand or not interested in that made everything seems so blehhh. I dont mean to procrastinate but i really dont know how to do.
Shit.

Rango.

2011-03-17T21:47:00.000+08:00

It sucked laaaaa.
I still dont get it.
Why is Rango's rating higher than Red Riding Hood's?
ISH.

Do we have to really present on monday? We are so unprepared. Nothing is done at all. And there's a test on tuesday. Crap. I still cant believe im already in school. Somebody, wake me up.

My purse is filled with cards. I feel old. Haha. I like how convenient things are here. But nothing is perfect. Hence, something is missing :(

I cant stand you pretty girls. Why so prettyyyyy?
So thin. So tall. So rich. So, perfect.

Quit that.

2011-03-16T21:13:00.000+08:00

You have to always sound like that when you talk to me.
What's your fucking problem?
It's definitely yours. Not mine.
That agitated tone. Curse you!

I still can't stop thinking about you. Now, that's a reason to go to school :D
Monday monday monday :D

Rango tomorrow.
Who says life in jc has to be, lifeless? When you are not serious in things you do like me, then it won't be.
;)

Absolute disappointment.

2011-03-15T18:20:00.000+08:00

Okayyyy.

So they said you are a bastard. People mostly are, so i guess you are normal?
Why unfriend :(
Yesterday was thrice but today, zero. Fine. I wont be so happy next time in case something like today happens. Blah. At least at least i get information about you when i see her. Lalalalala.

Most of them who plays the piano are guys. You are one of them. Impressed.
:D

Okay maybe it wasnt that serious. Everything was this stupid misunderstanding. Should i tell or not? I hate it when i really dont know if i can or i musnt.

Is everyone worrying? Things happening to Japan. Doesnt 2012 seem real now? I want it to happen. Quick quick. Affect singapore.

Why so serious?

2011-03-14T21:10:00.002+08:00

So what? That's the end of my craziness? All thanks to you two.

Big mouths!

Whenever i hear someone plays the song Wedding Dress, time to peek!

Hehhehehehee.
He is seriously cute laaaaaaa. Saw him thrice today lalalala.

I know it was embarrassing. It's okay. I wont be remembered anyway. Im a nobody, remember?

That feeling of loneliness wouldnt stop appearing. When will i start to feel like i belong? Never? It sucks, really. I miss school, my school.

That of a turn-off?

2011-03-13T21:03:00.000+08:00

:(

I guess i was just accepted to see if i am a friend of his. But it turned out that i wasnt.
And i was unfriended.
Fine.
If i was pretty, im sure the results wouldnt be the same. Blahhh.

Am i being compared? Please, everything seems to be an act. Are you acting humble? I'm starting to dislike you but i know it's wrong. I sometimes dislike an action even though i do it. I'm this really weird person, I hope everyone understands.

Motherboooooter!
Pfft.

After so long.

2011-03-08T18:44:00.003+08:00

Shit.
My leg is super numb right now.

Remember what i said about starting a new life with an improved character? It's happening. I'm now this really quiet girl who follows only my classmates around. Just listening to secrets from both parties without spilling them out. Texting most of my old friends hoping i'll get a quick reply as i cant rant to anyone here at that second. Missing everyone i like/love/hated is really tiring. Hoping i can find someone like them.

Everyone seems to have someone. I feel so lonely even when i am laughing.
What an empty laughter.

I regret almost everything in life. It's starting to get annoying when i realize im this really indecisive and fickle-minded person. I stick more to my friends than my family. Feeling so lonely now makes me feel lifeless. School isnt excited anymore. It was, but no more. I miss Malaysia. Reaching home at 5.30pm nowadays is simply torture.

Honestly, I'd never felt this ugly.
I miss my thick hair.
I miss my flawless skin.
I miss my body.
I miss the previous me.

Stfu.

2011-01-16T20:36:00.001+08:00

Who is the one making a big fuss now? Are you that free to tell the whole world about it? I don't think it was entirely my fault. You would have done the same if you look like me. So what if I don't have friends as many as you do to express what you have in mind of that situation?

If I really was a brainless whore, I wouldn't be here. Bitch.
I'm glad we are talking again. Who cares if she is there to hate. Not giving a fucking shit.

I would choose to be strangers if we go back in time.

She was literally shaking. She was too weak to move or to stand. She just followed what position we placed her at. It has only been a few weeks.
Get well soon puppy, Jolly.

I'm a burden to people everywhere i go.

2010-12-29T23:36:00.000+08:00

It's time to shift again. Mini luggage and other essential stuff. It's tiring knowing i have to take so many stuff with me when the destination is just a few km away from the previous one.

It's true. I shall start to be less concerned with others in order to feel happy.
It was my biggest problem.

Dairy products. Yummy. Especially chocolate filled with almonds/peanuts/hazelnuts.
YUM YUM.
People should start giving new year presents. I need plenty of XXL bar of chocolate. It'll be satisfying.
:D

There were so many dogs. Some were ugly. Some were so cute. The owner said chow chow is a stupid dog. After teaching it to pee properly for ten times, the proper way to pee is still unclear. But, it was really cute. I wanted to steal it away so much. Those puppy eyes. Aww. We got a shiba inu anyway. Another beautiful and cute dog. Also. A very loyal dog. An expensive one too. That 4 month old bitch is 3350SGD.

Kanasai.

I rant too much.

2010-12-28T23:43:00.002+08:00

&
No one can shut me up.

I sometimes wish that i dont have any friends. With that, i can focus more on my family and treat them the way i should. I dislike having the feeling that one is more important than i am. I dislike knowing that i need them so much and not the opposite. The feeling of removing friends is here again. I dont like feeling sad just because i read certain statuses.

SUCKY.

Uh. I've been in the room the whole day. Watching dramas. Waiting hard for the english subbed videos. Not happening. Eeks.

I wanna learn how to speak korean. I cant stand myself always self-talking with some language i dont understand. Oh goodness. Im nutily-nuts.

Do you know how much i hate you? I hate you more because she said she missed you.
I feel gay :O

Everything happened in a blink of an eye.

2010-12-26T17:44:00.000+08:00

Christmas is over.
Hmm,
Happy Boxing Day!
:D

It's somehow freaky even though it shouldn't be. They said there is nothing i should be afraid of but im afraid im spending too much without realising. Im afraid i didnt do things i was supposed to do. Im just afraid all because im not in a place called home. Everything doesnt seem to be mine.

She said she'll pay for everything i need and the ones given, will be saved for my future. That's even scarier now.

I owe you too much.

I used to borrow people's money when i was young. All the time. I think taking is the right word since i dont return their money. After i was 'caught', i stopped taking people's stuff without returning. And now, this feels wrong. In a way.

I still cant imagine if things don't turn out the way it should be. What should i do? More money will be wasted. All money used, to the rubbish bin.

I'm sorry.

9th is finally here.

2010-12-10T00:50:00.000+08:00

Everyone was so happy. Some screamed in happiness. One, high-pitch-screamed next to my ear. I didnt feel as happy when trials was over after coming out of the hall. This, was just like another exam. Maybe because i have another test the week after next week. I dont want i dont want i dont want :(

Now, i can watch my dramas without the need to count the hours left to sleep. Because, i have a whole day to do so ;D

I think i just forgot about the test -.-

Dont talk to me.
Yeah.
Please dont.

Chestnut brown. But it isnt that obvious under white light. It's better under dim light.

From the back.

2010-12-08T19:53:00.001+08:00

I saw girls playing with their hair while thinking. I also saw them re-tying their hair even if it was not messy. Again and again. Everything could be seen from the back of the hall. How interesting.

What's her job seriously? She seemed to just sit there. Like literally, there! She was supposed to alert teachers if she sees girls raising their hands. I felt like shouting to help ones who raised there hand for like, more than a minute. Goodness! She couldn't even walk out to look at the time to tell us time is up. Like hello, it's just a few metres away -.- Other teachers had to stand in front of the clock to give her signals. Booo.

Seeing people sitting in groups, i felt uninvited. Please ask, no?

Ah. I cant be happy. Knowing that i have another test on the 21st and 22nd. This is so not cool. I have to like, revise on my worst subject. What the hell is that. Yish! And the others will smile happily since they are done with their exams. Today.

I thought we could be best friends there. But you seemed to be best friends with every girl. Oh boy.

Their situation now reminds me of my past. The exact same situation. I can feel her pain. I can feel how regret she feels. I can feel how much she wants him back. Too late.

Dare me.

2010-12-04T02:43:00.001+08:00

Can i remove people i sincerely dont wanna hear about anymore? I dont want jealousy or envy to pop out of my mind. I hate that. Even if we still are good friends, can i? Let's act as though we've never met or speak to each other before. Please. I doubt we will even keep in touch. Maybe just greetings. I dont want. I dont wanna see everyone still talking to everyone and im talking to no one. I dont wanna see how people say they miss each other and me just reading those messages. It feels like crap.

And yes, i am never a nice person.

I dont wanna be alone for the next three days. I dont wanna be like her. I dont wanna feel alone. I dont wanna sit there not knowing what to do even if i know what i should do. I dont wanna sit out of that circle. I dont wanna our backs to meet. I doubt it'll be fun there. If i dont mix, can i not listen to any stories? It'll suck. I really just wanna have fun. I wasnt suppose to be there anyway right? So i brought another to make me feel better.

Sucha bitch.
*winks*

Everytime i think about it, i realised all i remember was the aftermath.

Ohsomany rants to make.

2010-12-03T09:53:00.001+08:00

~~Additional Mathematics.~~

~~Physics.~~

Chemistry.
Biology.
& Accounts.

Oh what the fuck.

The bad days are soon to start. Like really really bad ones. I know nothing about sciences. Oh why am i not determined in everything i do even if it means a lot to me. Boo myself.

You came home and you acted like the king when she was around. Now, something happened to your neck, your friends are gonna be you slaves. You are such a bastard. I am sure you know that deep down in your heart. Pfft. You sneezed without covering your mouth while using my laptop. You installed bullshits without even asking me permission. Bitch. Can i have a new laptop? URGH. Or or is there any laptop cleaning services? Like, cleaning thoroughly?

Im happy that i wasnt there on the 19th. I would be alone, im sure.

I dont want you here. I dont want you and your friends here. I really, sincerely, tremendously hate noises like such.

Fuck.

How rational are you?

2010-11-30T15:18:00.000+08:00

~~DAY 5.~~

Yipee!

I wanna be professional in saving money. I wanna buy people present without worrying if i have enough money myself. I wanna ask them what they want and say $100 is your budget. I dont wanna go, please dont ask for something expensive. Well, to me $50 is expensive!

You are the one giving me money every month. It's weird that i use your money to buy you a present. But well, i am not working yet so, forgiven? :D Anyway, i cant think of anything. I'll buy you a cake :) A nice one!

Happy Birthday in advance?

Let's cancel them off.

2010-11-29T16:46:00.000+08:00

~~DAY 4.~~

This week is more, relaxed. Early dismissals are awesome!

6 days left :D
Why most of them say 5 ?
:O
Tuesday.
Wednesday.
Thursday.
Monday.
Wednesday.
Thursday.

And then...
HEHEHEHEHEHE.

I'm so excited!
But the excitement is just temporary. Well, there's another test after this big one :(

A Little + Half is Nothing.

2010-11-26T14:58:00.002+08:00

It was hell.

I didnt know what was i doing at all. It amazes me how students could write brilliantly long answers and asked for more papers. Wow?
Whatever. I barely finished a book anyway.
So,

~~DAY 3~~

Yippy :)

Pizza and cheese. Lots of cheese. Yummy. Satisfaction!

Christmas.

What to buy?
Hmmmmmmmmmm.

It's called leaked questions, not tips.

2010-11-24T14:55:00.000+08:00

It's annoying seeing how they say 'tips' could not be trusted but yet, so eager to know what's it about.

~~DAY 2.~~

Yay.
:D

The latest Narnia is coming soon! 9th of December. Right after Spm. Yay!
But im totally broke :(

I spent my time walking around doing nothing.

2010-11-23T17:49:00.000+08:00

I dont like her. And i dont like you around her.
BOO.

My hand hurts. It's still red. It's as though i put a ring on my thumb. Just that, it's worn lower than usual.

~~DAY 1~~.
hurray!
9 days more -.-

I was thinking about christmas shopping all of a sudden yesterday night. I like spending cash. I realised i dont mind spending it on anything for anyone close. I just like spending :D It's not like i earned the money myself right? No harm 'sharing' perhaps? But the worse part is, i dont know if the present will be abandoned or used. Gah.

Less than 3 weeks,

2010-11-22T19:42:00.000+08:00

and it'll be over.

It's tomorrow!

Are you ready? I'm not.

I eat like a,

2010-11-13T19:12:00.000+08:00

dinosaur!

Not the way i eat but the amount of food i consumed. Porridge is just like water. I will never ever feel full even if i ate like, 2 bowls of it. Am i awesome? Lol.

The magic of photoshop!

Read 2008's and 2009's. So freaking long. Omg. People who read it, im impressed. I did not even bother reading. Was just scrolling down with high acceleration! The way things were wrote were so different compared to now.

Reading was never my thing. Storybooks, newspapers, nothing. But. There were three books in front of me. I'd no choice but to read. History, Biology and a novel. Guess which i picked?

Hotel City. Restaurant City. Im seriously confused on what i am doing.

They acted,

2010-11-12T21:49:00.001+08:00

as though it's their last day of school.

Last recess.

Last this,

and that.
BOO.

Chocolate with 100% cocoa is disgusting. I will never have such chocolate again. I am not a chocolate lover after all i guess. It tasted so weird. And it was my first time having a chocolate in my mouth for so long. I did not dare to even swallow my saliva. I dont know if it was the bitterness. It was just really weird and awful. Eulk.

Barbie.

I watched A Fashion Fairytale just now :D
Too sparkly. Yet, so pretty.

Plans plans plans. Hopefully i will not hear anything that may distract my excitement. Please. Im happy she wont be there. At least i wont be alone. She always beats my position. This is unfair.

He's so cute.

AH.

But, he needs growth hormones.
:(

A Thursday.

2010-11-11T20:27:00.001+08:00

OMG. My background is so colourful.
I love :)

I dont know if studying in the library was a success. Well, maybe partially? Cause i did some studying. But it's just annoying whenever people pass by or make noises cause i'll automatically look at them. Such a busybody. Tsk tsk. Some answered their phones in the library. Adults' phones rang as well. What a library. I almost fell asleep. My phone miraculously saved me :D It felt like a hospital, i have no idea why.

I dont want Hannah Montana to end. It was such a nice series. Cute guys especially ;D

People look so happy on their birthday. So many friends in pictures. Some even had party as surprises. How nice. Look at the smiles on their faces, those orphans. I cant wait till SPM is over. I cant wait for the thrill rides we'll soon be playing. I cant wait to scream. I cant wait to laugh till my stomach aches. I cant wait till im hung upside down. I cant wait for that day to come. God, hopefully it wont rain on the 17th of December. Amen.

Do you have to tell everything? I'm the bitch, you save my nonsense to yourself. Ish.

Memories are often held tight because they'll never change. It's always the same date, same place and same actions. Unlike people who were part of those memories, they change. They turn cold. They turn unfriendly. And eventually, everyone stop talking.

It's always best if we dont meet. Cause something in me can be alive again. Not good.
I miss you.

I, talk too much.

2010-11-09T23:23:00.000+08:00

It was an accident. Gosh. Why cant you understand? Havent you done anything wrong unintentionally? Why do you always act as though it's such a big deal? Like when i forget something you asked me to do. Were you even a teenager before? Do you remember every single thing you were asked to do? Pfft.

You should pray that i'll miss you cause im worried that i wont. And dont ask if i do cause i wont mind telling the truth.

Why cant you wait? Why are you always so impatient? You are worse than me. Why are you pissed all the time? Especially when you are back after work. We barely see each other now. I spend my time in school more than talking to you. Cant you tolerate even a bit?

I dont like backstabbing but seriously words just come out without notice.
It's an involuntary action.

It's a scary world.

2010-11-09T21:11:00.002+08:00

People tend to be nice to us when face to face conversations are made. During those conversations, we always talk about people. What we observed and what we know. But once they are back with their friends and you are with yours, you wouldnt know what are they talking about. Is everyone like that? Cause I am one.

I usually get really scared of someone when they treat me nice. It's as though they want something in return. Even though such thoughts were not made but i just think that way. Paranoid i guess. She asked if i was betrayed by someone previously. I tried thinking if anyone did that. After thinking for some time, i realised it was me who betrayed most of them.

Im such a bitch.
Oh fuck.

I felt lost. Everyone was paired with someone. While i was trying to find someone to stand with. I hate when this happens.

I always ask myself why didnt you talk to me like you did to everyone else. And i suddenly remember that you did. And it was me who messed things up again. Great. I wonder will we be talking again. Let's talk again before we both leave this peaceful place. Please?

When the year is about to end, i think i can cry leaving here. I thought i had always wanted to leave if a chance was given. I still do. But. Thinking of who should i talk to, rant to and complain to in future scares me.

I will not forget :)

It was seriously a waste of money and a waste of time.

2010-11-04T19:33:00.001+08:00

I cant take this. It has been hours but i still feel the same. Rejection is bitter. I shall not hope much cause it always turn out differently. It seems that happiness stays for just a second. Wait. I cant recall any happy part of the whole thing. I hate this. I shouldnt have went. Knowing what i have in me, i shouldnt have listened to them. I feel so lifeless now. Shit. I need a brain wash. Everyone is busy studying and i dont seem to care anymore. This is bad. If i could only end this shit. Im obviously not tough enough to stay. I am weak physically, mentally, and academically.

You can see the difference. She says mean things at the wrong time. And this is when i want the whole world to shut up. But they, they show that they care too much. And i usually overuse their love. And it gets pretty annoying. I hate to always feel sorry after everything has been done. It is always too late. I guess i have to stay alone.

It's so embarrassing as an artist when you fall on stage or rip your pants in front of the cameras. Aiks.

You post too much.

2010-10-30T14:07:00.001+08:00

Wanted to remove you but damn. You are too interesting.

I dont know what on earth are they talking about. All i know is, he had problems and i have a friend who can solve his problem. The whole conversation started at maybe 8.30 and it's 10.10 now. Geeks with their technology. Tsk tsk.

Thank goodness everything was done on time. Thank you. A lot. You helped much.

When my stress was about to be freed, you told me something that i noticed all along but not being able to overcome. Seriously, what do people usually do if you suck at something. Try harder to improve? But how? It's so impossible. I hate to know that im someone not independent at all. I cant do anything by myself. This sucks. This sucks bad. I dont know what im afraid of. I just know that im scared. Scared of everyone. Afraid that they'll say how bad my performance is. Ignoring them is something hard to achieve.

Pride. Strong.
Dislike dislike!
I cant even say a thank you.
RAWR!

I hate it when the sky is half grey and half clear. It's so hard to decide if i should bring the clothes in or to leave it there.

Monday monday. I need to look brave. I need my iPod without music and walk around as if i cant hear a single thing around me. Haha. It should be fun.

Im desperate for so many stuff.
Movies.
Ice-creams.
Chocolates.
Money.
Time.
& Love.

Like, seriously?

2010-10-25T19:41:00.000+08:00

After months of helping.You finally asked if all these chores are disturbing my study routine. Wth. I havent really started studying so i shall say no. If i said yes, you might be thinking how spoiled i am not being able to help even a bit. I hate the way you shout on the phone whenever you get mad. I hate whenever you 'amplify' your voice while being sarcastic. Sarcasm sarcasm sarcasm. Hate that. Why can't you explain it properly again? Whenever you get loud, i feel like walking away. I feel like slamming the door like what they usually do in movies. Or maybe shout back at you.

But i dont, cause i backstab.
Im bad.
As always.

Closure. I'm possessive. You forgot? Please dont. Or i'll start to dislike people again.
ISH.

Life is just a sweet insanity.

Time flies.

2010-10-22T16:22:00.002+08:00

It's Friday already. How fast can it get? One more month and im not even halfway there. Think positive but not doing anything. Will the universe change everything for me if i dont doubt the secret? Crap.

Why do you comment on everyone?

Because this would be my last year doing that.

~~I doubt so.~~

Football for girls. She looked crazy on the field. She managed to tackle her. It was almost a goal and whoots! I felt happiness. Then, you grabbed the bar and started swinging your legs. You were nuts. In a good way :)

I hate it when the curtains are not close. It feels as though someone's watching me. Lol.

I tend to gain weight whenever an exam is just around the corner and after the whole thing, the final digits stay. 2 tests and 2 exams a year. Do the math. Wow huh? Never mind. I'll marry a rich old man in future and do something about it after being a wife at the age of 22. And take care of the family. Like this. Haha.

The next time i see you, i'll leave before you take her away and leave me there alone. I talk to myself all the time. Is this a bad thing? It became a habit since i was really young. I dont remember how it started. Maybe i was talking to my doll? I dont know. Eeks. I dont wanna feel this way. I pinpoint everyone's little mistakes. I wouldnt stop commenting on everyone. This is evil. Im a devil. Hohoho. By the way, did you have to tell everyone? Oh gosh. You attention seeker!

It's weird how people you dont talk to, suddenly walk to you and ask you for something.

What are you staring at?

2010-10-18T17:43:00.002+08:00

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I hate to see how lost am i. After listening to teacher's story, im kinda happy that im not the only one like that. But. I still feel lost. Not knowing what should i do. I thought i would be able to do this alone with some help from the teachers. But the problem is, they arent even sure themselves. Well, i shouldnt blame them since where i am heading to is totally out of their list. It's not fun being the eldest. Cause we would be the one exploring things first. But no. I dont like it that way. I feel so useless. I felt like breaking down when im stuck. Knowing that time is not enough.

He called. Once again, i feel so bad that every conversation between us two is all about money. Nothing else seems to be a non-money-conversation. But well, it's not my fault for this awkward situation to happen. I didnt want this to happen. If possible, i want you back. Even though, you are still there for me and i know it. But there's just something keeping our relationship apart. Maybe im thinking too much.

You asked me what new stuff do i want. I told you i wanted new clothes. And you asked me to voice out whatever i have in mind. Whoots.

Before January 2011.

AH.
Im happy again. Knowing i have time now. Hopefully i dont procrastinate. OH PLEASE.

I dont like you anymore. You super kiasu ass. But, you still look so adorable!

Realize.

2010-10-16T20:23:00.000+08:00

It started so long ago. Now, i know. Every time after a drama, i'll start to get emotional and dramatic and start talking to myself. Acting scenes that were in the drama. Tears and anger and laughter. Oh dear, im sick since young :O

I still dont get how Twitter works. Confusing. What's retweet? What's # smtg smtg. Gah.

She doesnt need the laptop now. It's a good thing for her i guess. It shows how busy she is. Coming home late and not complaining anymore. BUT. It's bad for me. I have to wash the clothes, dry them, wash the pots, 'magic clean' the floor, and more. Goodness. I dont get why cant they take their own rice and dishes. Arent they old enough? I feel like a maid sometimes. Cause this isnt my duty at home.

I dream everyday, everyday. Dont you? I ~~like~~ love dreaming! Since things in drama may never happen in reality, id always hope it will appear in my dreams. Like prince charming or whatsoever. I enjoy sleeping cause every night, something new happens. Ahh :)

This, is a picture im currently in love with.
What a perfect shot.

Wasting too much.

2010-10-15T19:37:00.000+08:00

Why cant i work harder since it is so important? Why cant i stop making excuses? Laziness should stop. Time is precious. So much more than gold is.

Those thoughts struck me in a sudden. I didnt know i will miss so many stuffs. Gosh.

42 days,

2010-10-13T18:47:00.000+08:00

and still counting.

She seemed to look so much younger in that dress. By the way, she's 22 years older than I am. She shouldn't be looking that good. Oh well, she has to. Despite all the cash she had spent on herself. It is sometimes shameful to me to have her looking so good especially when im next to her. The body figure, face complexion and everything. Oh my.

Papers and papers. Too much. Shouldnt we be saving trees? Like seriously, I salute to ones who finish every single paper received. Hopefully you'll score well in your exam.

I kinda think you overreacted. She didnt mean to say that. She treated you as her friend and everyone says that to their friends. It shows how close people are. I think. I bet you are gonna tell the rest and whenever they come in, they'll talk about it. Saying how wrong we were and stuff. Probably. We didnt do anything to you actually but you wanted to take action against the whole class. Oh please.

I used to dislike chemistry. But now, I hate chemistry.

Everyone is so busy. Especially when you have almost 24 periods to teach a week. You are gonna turn crazier. Seeing you makes me crazy as well.

Went on twitter. And omg. You people. One word, CHEESY!

The perfect date,

2010-10-10T00:38:00.001+08:00

of 2010.

Many people are gonna get married today.
It's always Mercedes. No Ferrari? Haha.

I think she is kinda satisfied with it. Well, that's because I was a little prepared compared any other. Im afraid she'll be expecting more this time. Ohgosh. 40+ days. I actually counted since '80 days' and, it's almost half of it now, but im still doing the same thing since that day. Tsk tsk. 6th? It's been so long.

The worse thing is, and Im still ~~alright~~ with it -.-

Shit.

My hair. It doesnt stop falling. Gravitational pull is getting stronger nowadays i guess. Since the world is turning crazy so i think we are soon to float. Soon.

I dont like it when you try to be different from the rest. Cause you seem to try too hard. Boo. And i think i would be the only one to dislike this cause from what i see, wow.

10.10.10.
Superman :)
Im starting to picture life after this year. Isnt it sadder to be alone wherever you go? But i'll have new friends right? Im friendly! ~~I think~~. Why am i always so indecisive? This is terrible.

Happy Birthday :)

Bubble Mermaid.
Bubble Mermaid.
Such a sad song. It sounds really sad. Not the rhythm and all, but from her tone. Sad :(

Nichkhun. Ohsoadorable.

Aint this sweet? It's so fairytale-ish.

Why can't anyone of you be like them? Why am i always the one asking you people out? Even when it was my special day :(

All mixed up.

2010-10-04T17:54:00.000+08:00

You actually told me that. And i thought i was the only one who always feel that way.

The gossip starts. Everyone is fake. It only depends on who you are mixing with. I think i know you too well or maybe i am one sensitive bitch. You werent sincere. You went there as MissPopular and wait for people to come to you. You succeed i guess. Yeah, it's not your fault for the uncountable snaps over facebook since you didnt upload any pictures. I bet you were patiently waiting for people to tag you. I hate insincerity. A lot. I can tell if you are sincere or you arent. All by expressions and the way you act. Wow, i sounded psychic. Haha.

I dont know why do i get pissed with everyone so easily. I wonder who did i inherit this petty side of me. I just cant help it. You you you you you, all were once on my list by now you are gone. GAH. On off on off. Im worse than mud.

~~Fuck.~~

I miss my maid. I miss having someone to talk to whenever i reach home. I miss feeling secure. Not even a cockroach/lizard scares me cause i know she'll do something about it. I miss the feeling of having someone supporting what i have in mind. I miss the arguments we had. I miss having our dinner heated up before we eat. I hate feeling lost and lonely.

I sincerely felt sorry 99% of my life while 1% of it was a lie.

When i was young,
I used to press my cheeks hard with my forefingers hoping to have dimples like my cousins.
I used to take mum's earrings and press them hard on my earlobes so i can wear earrings like her.
I thought that dreams could be clear if i wore my glasses to bed.
I fried milo powder and it turned out as hard as rock.

I wanna stop.

2010-10-03T17:02:00.000+08:00

I often think if i have problems with myself. I am not aware of what im doing at times. And i dont like it. That's when i feel so lost. I have so much to complain and rant about, everyday. And it can never stops. It goes on and on as though i did not complain before.

I wonder if you mind that they are such close friends. Of course you dont. You arent like me.

We were late. I consider that late because i planned to reach there 30 mins before. Who knew that the three of us need so much of time to get ready. I wanted to take a look around, sit there and observe everyone who stepped in. But that did not happen cause we were late. Everything passed so quickly. I can hardly remember if i had fun. Cause i was busy being 'wet' and complaining that my toes hurt. Heels are a no-no for me. I have large bones in front of my feet so it is hard for me to buy a pair of heels. I planned to take a picture with everyone but i couldnt. Cause my toes were painful. And i thought i was gonna break my toes of something. I think i wouldve been alone if you werent with me the whole time. I was standing alone at the entrance until you pulled me with you.

I miss the times when i was less sensitive. When i did not even care of what was going on.

Im wondering who am i gonna talk to after i leave this place. I cant bitch anymore :( To bitch, you need at least two parties and that someone has to know whoever you are talking about or it wont be fun anymore. I know im mean but i couldnt seem to stop myself from being mean. So i'll just continue to be one.

I like seeing pictures with a whole group of friends in it. That is clearly a happy picture. I like seeing pictures with crazy faces in it cause everyone is being themselves.

I can have crushes on people just by viewing through their pictures lol.

It's official,

2010-09-16T14:23:00.003+08:00

that I'm gay.
:D

I completely forgot that school starts tomorrow. I thought of doing my homework on Sunday. Am I an amazing student? Apparently. Haha.
Addmaths.
Malay.
Mathematics.
& freaking History.
I'll just choose 2 from the 4 ;D

Omg. School starts tomorrow and I'm sure teachers are done with our test papers. Oh dear. I'm scared. I guess. Well, if mum asks for my results, she'll start to nag. Saying how close SPM is. Please don't be a typical mum. Be a mum who understands that your daughter knows how close the major exam is and just let her be. Oh yeah.

You said you're coming back. A text? Please.

I can't believe you went out with her when you go out like, once in a blue moon. Grr, so lucky of you. AHHHH. jealousy. haha.

I actually miss school. This holiday is quite a long one already. Or at least it feels long to me. I can't wait to go back to school. Staying at home is like knowing that I have to waste plenty of time. Since I'm not in the mood of doing anything except to sit and do nothing, think nothing and see nothing. The tv is switched on just for some sound effects. Haha.

Rightttttt.

2010-09-15T22:58:00.001+08:00

Why must I always be the one to be ignored. Why cant anyone else be the last one to say bye. Wait. You people dont even say bye. You people just, shut up. How amazing -.-

It's a pretty pretty shirt. Dont let it die. Do something about it. Or yourself. Lol.

You dont even realise you're out of my friends list. HA. HA. HA.
No. I'm not happy that you dont realise.
Damn you.

I cant stop laughing when Im actually serious about how I feel. Maybe it's because I didnt wanna show how unhappy i actually feel. So, i had to literally joke about it. Hahahaha. Yeah, hahahaha.

Im still not happy that everyone is so happy!
Such an unfair world.
Pfft.

I realised that I walk very weirdly. I dont think it can be changed. Ah forget about it.

BLAH.

Damn lohhh.

2010-09-15T14:49:00.001+08:00

Dont touch me. Dont poke nor pinch me. Dont rub your palm against my head. Dont dont dont. Dont stare at me while I'm eating. Dont put your hand on my back while crossing the road. Dont push me to the left of the escalator. Dont pull my bag. Dont tickle me.

AH.
Fake hopes.
Fuck you.
Oh yeahh.

I'm like serious about it. And I'm not too. Im confusing myself and my friends as well.

It's always late. No fair.

What a day.

2010-09-14T20:01:00.002+08:00

Okay okay. I wont ask anymore. I think. It is not wrong, right? For girls to be busybody. I mean. It's our nature! No? We bitch, we talk and we complain. Lots of stuff. The word 'please' doesnt really stop me from asking actually. That's how I annoy people. See?

I dont like nice people. As in. I dont mind people with a nice heart but when you are equally nice to everyone, something doesn't feel right. Really! It freaks me out. I prefer you hitting me or poking me. Well, dont punch me hard or something. Whatever.

I seem to say whatever whenever I am speechless.
Cih.

Talking to girls = dangerous,
Talking to guys = annoying,
Talking to myself = ...

LALALALALALA.
blah.

There's too many people on facebook. One word may just change everything. Not safe not safe. Lol. Today was like, Mission Impossible. It was fun for me, well not to the others I guess. Too many people. Too many. Guys' drama. Totally worse than girls'. Like seriously. Wth was going on -.-

From the cinema, then the lift. Rooftop to Food Court. We are all seventeens.Oh yeah.

Haha?

2010-09-14T01:31:00.001+08:00

Omg. I feel like dying. I dont feel loved at all. And it's not fun this way. I hate it whenever I start to think so much in almost everything I face. Not cool. Pfft.
Family & Friends.
Gah.

I hate it when people feel so happy with their friends. Shopping or whatever. I seldom feel that way and I hate seeing them smiling at cameras feeling so happy. I rarely have pictures with a huge group of people. See. Countable friends. Not that I want more. But. It's just. They have other close friends as well. Not like Im their one and only. I wanna feel special. Or maybe I dont deserve anyone. Whatever.

I hate seeing how close someone I think I'm close with is close with another. In this way I'll feel left aside. It's like when I know there's three of us, I have to leave. I'll wait. A few more months. A few more. Let's start counting, 3 more months. That just reminded me how close SPM is. Ah fuck. Not cool. Shit.

And no one is sensitive enough to know how I'm feeling. I dont like this. Like I said, I dont feel loved. I didnt mean to be dramatic, but. This is what I feel now. This minute.

No. No. I dont like you. I just like that feeling of idontknowwhat. I hate you. I feel like removing you from Facebook. I thought I was fine but I realise I'm not. Damn it.

After so many months, you are still so pretty. Lol?

it's today.

2010-06-20T12:48:00.001+08:00

HAPPY FATHERS' DAY !

to all coolest, hottest, best, cutest and adorable dads in the world.

how can he not know it's fathers' day today. what a dad. he called to ask what i want instead of me calling him to greet him first. aint i the best daughter in the world. applause needed please.

i couldn't stop downloading videos with nichkhun in it. ah. he is so adorable. im serious. he is really really adorable. i like it when he winks. he does that all the time. AHH. and and he was so pink in that corby advertisement. ohmymy. btw. thai language is the weirdest language i tell you. it just sounds so weird. no offence, really :S

" omg. nichkhun is cute la. omg. omg. "
*stares* " ah it will last for a while only la. "

damn it.

2010-06-19T22:14:00.000+08:00

im pissed. im pissed.
that i totally forgot about going down to taiping to visit you. i just realised i forgot this morning. what a bitch. omg. im pissed. i think you're off to melbourne already. ah. im so sorry. im so so so sorry. im sorry i forgot. damn it. when i told her that we forgot to go up, she just say oh. wtf.

MR & MRS HO :(

ah fuck.
i wonder when will i get to see you people again. goodness.
damn.
damn.
damn.
damn.

need i say more?

2010-06-18T01:06:00.001+08:00

DAMN.
p/s: i cant breathe.

i hate writing titles.

2010-06-16T21:17:00.001+08:00

did you see megan fox's bikini picture. did you see her abs :O since when was she this thin. this is creepy. i find it very hot for women to have six packs. just the abs okay. not the biceps and the triceps. that would be disgusting.

i did not hand in my papers. again. i did a little. i left like 3 to 4 parts blank? okay maybe 5. it's not worth your time on marking it. i hope someone is in this with me. but im sure there's none. i think the whole room knew about this. cause i was noisy. i was so afraid to get out of the room. afraid that she'll see me going down without handing in. my friend asked me if i would greet her thank you. er. my silent thank you to you?
macho -.-

my ex boyfriend finds me boring. he said i was not fun :(
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.
ah. did you feel the bad aura? did you realise it was coming closer? im sorry i have to leave. haha. it was actually the pressure. the other room was so much better. really. and i have my girlfriend next to me ;D

football is boring. it's really really boring. or i watched the wrong match. seriously. i wasted 45 minutes watching people chasing ONE ball. and in the end, it was a draw. aiyer. they did not even score one point or anything. blah.

i didnt realise that Amanda Seyfried is this pretty :O she was like an idiot in Mean Girls remember? she looks like dakota fanning when she's in shades. really. or dakota looks like her.

your picture disgusts me.
i thought she was once yours. you forgot huh?

mmhmm.

2010-06-15T16:30:00.000+08:00

- im gay.
- please dont make me laugh like an idiot in front of my phone.

i wanted to place some gay picture here but everything looked so horrible. eulk.

day 1 ended.

just like that.
yes, just like that. do 3 pages count? or maybe 4?

when you said you want my hair short, i really really thought of cutting it short. this is bad news. ive been watching her videos again and again. ah ohsopretty. if there was just a machine where you insert the picture you had cut out and they do the exact same on to your hair. that would be awesome. because hairstylists usually give me something i dont want. maybe i dont explain well. wait. id never explain things well -.-

that's a really hard task :O

i think im just like you.

2010-06-14T18:05:00.001+08:00

split personalities.

Looks fade. Don't get to attached. Ashton Kutcher.
i can actually imagine when he says that. i think he is talking to me. bleh.

it was amazing that i stayed so late finishing some of the leftovers. but still, not done. i was suppose to start today. yes, suppose. i shall repeat this, my brain and my mouth are forever at different wavelengths. they dont get along. i dont think my heart and my brain get along too. i think i have some nerve problems. or something is wrong with my spinal cord? or whatever. im alone at home now. shouldnt i feel like doing what im 'suppose' to do? ah crap.

you just agreed without saying much. amazing. at least to me. i dont dare to tell mum. i dont know why. maybe not the time yet. HAHA. i just did not have enough you know. unfair. im always calculative with people i dislike.

i wish to be hardworking than to be smart. okay, maybe i want both.

ever greedy.

my eyes looked animated this morning. it looked like yours after you watched that movie. haha. it was hilarious. i still can laugh about it. aint i the weirdest person on earth. it happened for so long. i think this is my first time. cause it went on for rounds and rounds. but i just get so dramatic sometimes. it happened while i was listening to songs at 2.30 till 3.30 in the morning? i think. or maybe im exaggerating. again.